The Outcaste II

What are you waiting for, The Godfather theme to play?
Let me make this clear, I have no money, no Italian children and I did not gift a guy a severed horse head as an early morning surprise.

The girl who sits next to me, well I still don’t know her name; she does not have a name plate at her desk and her neighbour calls her “excuse-me”, if she was Chinese I would’ve assumed that it is in fact her name.
Maybe if I just shave the back of her head I might find her name tattooed along with the number of the devil. She shows no signs of aversion to the secret cross that I planted at her desk though. I expected her to start howling as soon as I placed it there; you know maybe her pupils (not students) would turn red and she’d suddenly grow fangs.
Too much of David Seltzer (duh! He’s the guy who wrote Omen), Stephen King and our own Ram Gopal Verma.
For convenience sake let’s call the-girl-who-sits-next-to-me My Neighbour. So My Neighbour still has my phone and I have to make some important calls, to the pizza place.
“Hey bitch, I am hungry and I want my phone back.” Damn it, why can’t I tell her that in her face!

“Excuse me”, I hear a voice say. I assume the person is calling My Neighbour.
Next the “Excuse me” comes with a jab.
Somebody is actually talking to me.
“Hi!” That must’ve been probably the most excited emotion I had experience ever since I had moved.
“Excuse me, can I please borrow your stapler?”
And I thought this guy came to introduce me to my new team.
Do I look like a stationery shop to you, huh? Do I? Now get lost and find your own stapler.
“Yeah, here you go.” I handed him the stapler
Hmm, that’s a start. My first interaction with a human being from my new team.
“Do you have a pen?” What the hell is this guy’s problem!
Really dude, all you need to do is rummage the stationery cupboard and you’ll find a pen. Now get the hell out of here!
Was I just staring at him all this while?
“Yeah, I do. Here you go.” Dammit! Not again! I handed him the only pen I had.

“You nith thu feer orthe ferms and thein senth ith thu korea. Mek suar you stepple all the ferms and pooth ith in dha bloo unvaleppe”
Ok dude, what did you just say? And why should I send anything to Korea? Do we even have an office in Korea? And which Korea, North or South, or are they one now?
“Ok lah? I hup you goth tha right. Ok lah, spik to you sun.” Noth hupping thu dude, noth hupping thu.
“Ok, will fill all the forms and send it through courier. And I’ll staple all the forms and put it into the blue envelope. I got that right, didn’t I?”
“Yah lah.”
“Speak to you soon.”
“Spik to you sun. Bye lah.”
“Bye.”
Is he from this planet or what?
Hey! Where is my pretty pink stapler? Oh, I am gonna kill that guy!

“Excuse me.”
Why the hell are you staring at me you moron. Weren’t you the one who my stapler and didn’t return it?
“Hi, you borrowed my stapler the other day.”
Stop staring geek. Give me my stapler back.
“I sit next to the printer and you asked me for a stapler and then a pen.”
You’re pissing me off asshole, say something before I shove the ‘shits of pepper” up your bloody…
“Oh yeah.” Finally a look of recognition on his face. “Somebody took it from my desk; I’ll check and call you back.”
You gave my stapler to somebody else?! You fat headed moron!

“Hi Kavisha.” What’s that wind and what’s with the singing. That’s just the British accent.
“I tried calling you on your extension but it went to your voice mail,”
Yeah, you fat headed bloke it went into voice mail because I don’t have a phone yet; “so I called you on your mobile.”
Yeah, that’s where you call people if you want to reach them at 11 in the night.
It’s alright to call me on my mobile because you’re my boss; you can call me anywhere you want to and at whatever time you please.
“Can I talk to you now?”
No. I don’t want to talk to you or anyone from your country. I’m busy right now; I have to go to bed.
“Is this a good time?”
You bloody well know it’s not so cut the crap and get to the point. You’re going to talk to me anyways, so why ask?
“Yes David, go ahead.”
“Have you sent those documents yet?”
No I haven’t sent the documents yet; some moron whacked my stapler and I could not get the papers together.
“It needs to reach Accounts tomorrow for accounting.”
Oh really! So that’s what Accounts does.
And what are you gonna do if it doesn’t reach Accounts tomorrow, you overworked blowpipe.
He spoke three sentences and was heaving and puffing like I would after half an hour at the gym; ok ok, after 5 minutes.
That’s how he gets his exercise, I think, talking in that weird accent of his and then they say that I have an accent.
“It will reach Accounts tomorrow, David.” Now, can I go and get some sleep.
“Oh, great then. Thanks very much. Appreciate your time. Have a good evening.” Shut up, shutup, shaddup!
Have a good evening? You ruin my “night” and say have a good “evening”.
There is another world outside your pint-sized country you know.

“Excuse me.”
You stare at me one more time like and I’m gonna bust your face.
“Hi, I’ve come for my stapler.”
“Oh yeah, I didn’t find it. Sorry.”
Are you the most shameless and irresponsible fellow I’ve met? Yeah, you are.
Do you know how hard it was to get that stapler?
I had to raise a request on the internal website; they checked my credentials and stationery history.
After a week I was given a PIN number, which I had to take a printout of and present to the Stationery Department.
The guy in charge looked like what I would’ve imagined the Hangman to be; alright you can call him the Executioner if you want to.
He was huge, had a thick moustache curled at the ends and a large pot belly. He sat across the table and was busy over the phone.
He directed me to take a seat and I was never this nervous even at my interview as I was now. After what seemed like half an hour he put the phone down.
“Yes?”
Did people come here for anything else other than a stapler; a puncher perhaps.
I’d like a cheese burger, large fries and a coke to go please. Ok not funny? Never mind.
I handed him the printout with the PIN.
He stared at the piece of paper and then at my face. New sort of face recognition software?
Whatever it was, I just smiled back at him, awkwardly.
You don’t want to piss off the stapler guy.
He then opened a drawer, took out a box and placed it on the table.
He did not say anything. What was I supposed to do now?
Do I take it and walk off; or slip him a few notes below the table.
“Meddem, you wantedda stappler wonly no?”
I didn’t care how he spoke. I was just relieved.
“Yes, yes.”
“Take it meddem.”
I opened the box and inside it was a cute pink stapler. Oh the joy of finally being the owner of a stapler.
“Thank you very much.”
“Mention not meddem, mention not.”

“Excuse me.”
You’re not making me go back to the stationery department, you punk!
“Hi, so did you find the stapler?”
“I think I already told you. I’ve misplaced it. Can’t you just get another one?”
Oh yeah, like they’re handing it over for free.

That day I went to a stationery store bought a pink stapler.
Then I went to the hardware store. After that I visited the local smith.
Next day I had a stapler that was securely chained to my desk.

- Kavisha Pinto © 03rd April 2007